The Cullen Diaries
by IttyBittyDhampir
Summary: Each Cullen has interesting things happen in their never-ending lives. Read about what they write in their personal diaries!
1. Jasper

**If Jasper had a diary… he'd name it Kevin!**

Dear Diary,

I should think of a name for you… Kevin? -teehee- I like that name! Okay, well today Alice and I went to -insertnameofrandomsupercenterhere- to get some food for Bella, and I saw Jacob Black and co.; it sort of went down like this…

Alice and I walked into -insertnameofrandomconvenientstorehere- with a shopping list and a Visa Card. First, we walked down the fruit/vegetable isle.

"The list says 'generic fruits and veggies'." Alice said, scratching her head.

I looked at the items available and then at her. "Huh?"

"It means the most common ones, but Jasper, I've heard of all of them. Should we get one of everything?"

I couldn't answer he question, I was fixed on a target. _Beef jerky._

She traced my line of vision and looked at me. "Ugh! Little red flag going up partner. I can't see anything." she warned.

"But, Alice! It's _beef jerky! _Do you know how much I loved beef jerky?" I shouted, jumping up and down.

"Stop it Jasper! You look like an upset five year old!" she hissed, looking around.

"We _have _to get some for Bella!" I growled, heading in that direction.

"Jasper no!"

When I got to the rack, another hand was grabbing for the same package. I traced the hand to its owner. It took me aback. "Jacob?" I asked, looking at him oddly.

"Oh! You're one of Bella's friends right?" he asked. "I thought you don't eat."

"It's for Bella." I murmured.

"I'll buy it!" he smiled.

"No! I wanna buy it!"

"No! I want to!"

And before you knew it, we were fighting over a bag a beef jerky.

"Jasper, _LET GO!" _Alice shouted, pulling on my arm.

"No! It's for Bella!" I growled.

"Jasper, it's not on the _list!" _she warned.

Suddenly, I had an idea. "Look! A sale on dog shampoo!" I shouted, pointing.

Jacob suddenly let go and looked behind him enthusiastically, "Where?" he shouted.

I laughed hysterically and ran for the checkout. The teen at the counter looked at me and blew a bubble with her gum. "Would you like to apply for an -insertnameofrandomsupercenterhere- credit card?" she asked, blowing another bubble.

"No! Just hurry! Some guy wants my beef!" I shouted, drumming on the counter.

She paused a minute before responding. "Will that be all for you?" she smacked her gum.

"Yes, yes!"

"Credit or Debit?" she asked, looking at me.

"Erm, Debit?" I asked randomly.

"Sign here."

I scribbled the name on the card and ran out the door with my beef jerky. Laughing hysterically. When I got into the Porsche, I drove off toward the house.

"Ooh! Wait 'till I get home and tell Alice-" I slammed on the break. "Damn it!"

Something tapped on my window and I looked out it.

She waved her finger and she mouthed, 'Get out of the car.'

I opened the door and she flicked my ear. "What did I do?"

"You leave me in -insertnameofrandomsupercenterhere- with a pack of werewolves, and you have the _nerve _to ask me, what you did?" she hissed, getting in the car.

"No, no Alice!"

But I was too late; her car disappeared in to a cloud of smoke. I kicked the dirt and looked down. My head snapped up when I realized, "She took the jerky!" I shouted, running toward her car.

So yeah. In the end, Alice had actually driven to Charlie's house and given it to _him_. I guess my advice for the day is:

"If your wife throws you out of the car, make sure you get your beef jerky first."

Well that's it for now.

- Jasper

-Note to self- Bunnies make me all tingly inside!

**If Emmett had a diary… now that would be frightening. **_**-Le Gasp!-**_


	2. Emmett

**If Emmett had a diary… now that would be frightening. **_**-Le Gasp!-**_

deer dyeree,

hayhayhay! itz emmett! i just wantd 2 tel u abowt my daj! Roze nd i wer argeweng…

"Damn it Emmett! You are _killing _me!" she growled, folding her arms.

"Well, I'm sorry I can't spell good enough for you Rose!"

"But Emmett, you write like a six year old!"

"He can't spell either." Edward laughed from behind me.

"Hey! You're not in this!" I snapped, slamming my pencil down on the table.

"Edward, please tell him there's no 'O' in your name." Rose closed her eyes.

"You put an 'O' on my name?" Edward laughed.

"Well, duh. It's E-D- erm…" I tried to think. "dsdfsdgsdamds." I mumbled. Truthfully, it was just gibberish.

"Yeah, um, Emmett there's no 'O' in my name." Edward shook his head.

I got out of my chair and went into the garage. Maybe, giving my Jeep a tune-up would calm me down.

"Emmett!" Bella's voice called, right after I slid under my car.

"Yes Bells?" I called, grabbing a wrench.

"I'm trying to write an Email to my mom, and I went blank. How do you spell, 'definitely'?" she asked.

I slid out from under the car and roared with anger, stalking out.

"Okay… Oh! I-T-_E_-L-Y!" her voice cheered.

Was everyone making fun of my disability? Maybe I should actually pay attention in school, rather than getting Rose to do all my homework…

"Emmett, can I talk to you for a minute?" Carlisle asked as I walked by his office.

I sighed and went in.

"Have a seat. I understand you're having a problem with spelling." he folded his hands and intertwined his fingers.

"Well…"

"You know, we got taught a song in kindergarten." he smiled.

"No. Please Carlisle! Don't burst into-"

Suddenly, everything was white and we were bother wearing pink suits.

"_When you have… VOWELS,_

_You also have… CONSENANTS!_

_They make words. Words, WORDS!_

_I like to spell, spell, spell._

_Words are used by Kings,_

_In lots of spelly things!_

_OH YEAH!"_

Everything snapped back to reality and he sat down. "Better?"

"Carlisle… you need therapy."

Soh u seey wat eye hav 2 poot uhp wit evrydey?

-emmett

-nohte 2 sellf- Com uhp wit gud sahng 2 beet Carlyles!

**Just to bring it out there… Carlisle actually has a lovely singing voice. XD**

**If Quil had a diary… I'd want him to meet my sister. She's three; I'm sure his Claire would love her ;) **


	3. Alice

**If Alice had a diary, it would be expensive.**

_Dear Very-Expensive-Pink-Velvet-Diary,_

_I'm so happy that I get to finally write in this old thing! I mean I've had it so long! When I got it last week, I had to fight this little six year old, but I won! Heehee! Well, yesterday it took me forever to get everyone to go shopping, but I did it! Carlisle had a run in with some girls, but all was good!_

"Cullen huddle!" Jasper shouted, but there was just silence. "Damn it! Why does it never work?!"

I rolled my eyes. "Hey Jazz..."

"Yes Alice?"

"Will you go shopping with me?"

He frowned. "I'm trying to work out the Cullen huddle."

I nodded, walking into the kitchen. Emmett was staring at an orange. "What are you doing?!"

He waved me off, narrowing his eyes. He lifted his head in failure. "Trying to make this orange explode with my mind."

"Hey! You want to go shopping?"

He folded his arms. "I WANT A POWER!"

"You have a power."

"But... oh whatever." he stalked out.

I shrugged, walking into the living room. "Carlisle, will you go shopping with me?"

He stood up abruptly, opening the front door. "I've got to go to work. Emergency."

"Rosalie!" I shouted, walking into the garage.

"What?"

"You want to go shopping with me?"

She growled. "No."

I plopped down on the couch. Would anyone go shopping with me? Suddenly, a vision of a table with a bunch of stuff piled on top of it popped in my mind. That was it! I walked back into the kitchen with the newspaper. "Oh look! A sale on cds, books, beef jerky, stethoscopes, mirrors, whistles, and _Windex_!"

Each of the Cullens came in and looked at me. "When are we going shopping?" they asked in unison.

_In the end, they were mad at me for lying. But hey, I got to go shopping, didn't I? Heehee! _

_- Alice_

_Note to Self – direct a commercial for cds, books, beef jerky, stethoscopes, mirrors, whistles, and Windex to get family into shopping._


End file.
